I'm up on 2/3 hours of sleep this morning and when I say MORNING i mean the sun just found it's place in the sky, birds are chirping, it is BRIGHT as a moth- lol...clearly mornings aren't always my best times. Some mornings = amazing. This morning however, I'm moody and isolated soo it's not living up to it's potential as a great morning lol. This morning is one of those where all that bright, sunshining goodness is making me want to knock that chirping, happy bird out of its tree with a rock lol.
Even with it being a lack-lustre morning, I just had this epiphany of sorts. I admitted that I like to run away from my problems*
See the star/symbol thingy after the word problems? Yes? Good. That means I'm going to clarify so don't be so quick to judge, speed racer - let me explain.
Ok, first thing - I like change, more than that, I need change at times. Just so I can prove to myself that yeah, change is inevitable BUT it won't scare me when it's important life altering things that are happening.
Second, if I'm not ready to deal with something, I need to distance myself from it until I can clearly think about whatever it is. If I don't take that break, the frustration at the situation over-takes my rationalizing power and that's just never good.
**OK so back to the epiphany. I was talking..no I was conversing online with a friend and jokingly said I was going to run from my probs...the issue in that was that joking or not, I wanted to run.
Perhaps I am just not ready to deal with reality...perhaps I am but am too comfortable to move.
Perhaps I've overused the word 'perhaps'. Who knows?
Well I'll tell you what I do know (a lot)... only God can judge me...so if I choose to run away from my problems for this moment or a few moments, days, weeks, months...lol The point is, if I choose to run, I choose to run. He'll eventually get me back on track, right? After all, Jesus is my homeboy and homies don't let other homies run forever lol.
Yeah, it's still really early for me...let's make that the explanation for this "post" :)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Anger
It's like a force of nature...takes over and that's it.
I'm so angry right now and the trigger was something so stupid. I'm angry that I reacted so quickly and that a few words could make me feel so obsolete. It might be more hurt than anger...yet it's the anger that's consuming me.
ANGER...it's funny how my mom's name starts with those first 3 letters lol. I'm implying nothing, just stating the obvious about the letter placement :)
That was a fake text smiley face. Yes, fake because I'm so angry right now I'm not really feeling smiley. I only added it so that if by chance my mother comes across this rambling, I can get myself out of trouble and say 'see, the smiley face means it's a joke' and hope for the best lol.
Ok, I'm done...for now.
p.s. I'm back in the blogosphere..whatever. I'm back, I'm not back...world still turns lol.
I'm so angry right now and the trigger was something so stupid. I'm angry that I reacted so quickly and that a few words could make me feel so obsolete. It might be more hurt than anger...yet it's the anger that's consuming me.
ANGER...it's funny how my mom's name starts with those first 3 letters lol. I'm implying nothing, just stating the obvious about the letter placement :)
That was a fake text smiley face. Yes, fake because I'm so angry right now I'm not really feeling smiley. I only added it so that if by chance my mother comes across this rambling, I can get myself out of trouble and say 'see, the smiley face means it's a joke' and hope for the best lol.
Ok, I'm done...for now.
p.s. I'm back in the blogosphere..whatever. I'm back, I'm not back...world still turns lol.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
All is Fair in Love and War
Well, that's how the saying goes...but what does it MEAN??
Does it mean that whatever is done to maintain love, find love etc is fair ?
Does it mean love really is a battlefield and you have to fight for it?
Does it mean that you can fight over it at all?
Really...what the hell does it mean?
In my mind, this means do what you gotta do if you want that love. Nobody can tell me that's not the meaning because really...no one knows for sure.
Why is this relevant?
The past 7 days of my life could be defined by those 7 words.
I don't like confrontation - I will do anything to get out of it unless it's absolutely necessary that it be done. Granted, the past few days have been filled with them, but normally it's not my thing.
Compassion is my one true weakness. Being compassionate is both a blessing and a curse for me, my heart breaks at others' misfortunes and I can't change that.
Stranger, friend or foe, I cannot stand to know/see/hear about/think about someone else being unhappy or hurt. I feel that my purpose in this world, above all else is to make sure that people are happy in life. I know, big task for a small person but that's how it is in my mind. In reality it probably is not meant to be that way, and the amount that I can help others is probably enough on my part - but that's not good enough.
Should I want to change that? How can I fight for love when I know someone else is going to end up hurt, losing love?
Yet how can I not fight for something I want when I know it should be mine?
I hate the way things have gone these past days -- that's serious because I rarely hate anything.
After all of this, I'm still left wondering, what does this saying mean for my life ?
Does it mean that whatever is done to maintain love, find love etc is fair ?
Does it mean love really is a battlefield and you have to fight for it?
Does it mean that you can fight over it at all?
Really...what the hell does it mean?
In my mind, this means do what you gotta do if you want that love. Nobody can tell me that's not the meaning because really...no one knows for sure.
Why is this relevant?
The past 7 days of my life could be defined by those 7 words.
I don't like confrontation - I will do anything to get out of it unless it's absolutely necessary that it be done. Granted, the past few days have been filled with them, but normally it's not my thing.
Compassion is my one true weakness. Being compassionate is both a blessing and a curse for me, my heart breaks at others' misfortunes and I can't change that.
Stranger, friend or foe, I cannot stand to know/see/hear about/think about someone else being unhappy or hurt. I feel that my purpose in this world, above all else is to make sure that people are happy in life. I know, big task for a small person but that's how it is in my mind. In reality it probably is not meant to be that way, and the amount that I can help others is probably enough on my part - but that's not good enough.
Should I want to change that? How can I fight for love when I know someone else is going to end up hurt, losing love?
Yet how can I not fight for something I want when I know it should be mine?
I hate the way things have gone these past days -- that's serious because I rarely hate anything.
After all of this, I'm still left wondering, what does this saying mean for my life ?
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
2010
I'M BACK! I mean it this time, for real.
I've abandoned this blog more than once over the years but something keeps bringing me back to it. I'll take that as a sign from the heavens that I am meant to write. I love writing so even if it's not a 'sign', it's all good.
Why do I think this blog is meant to be? Well that's a fantastic question...I believe that because I have an opinion about anything and everything, anyone and everyone.
There are those who claim everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I'm one of them and I'm not going to lie, in my mind, I analyze everything and judge everyone (in my own right, lol).
Don't get me wrong, I don't do it to be mean or to insult, I judge out of curiousity - it's my way of entertaining myself in a world of daily routines.
I think that if I can amuse myself , I can amuse others too...yes, I'm that GOOD ..atleast that's what i'm told LOL -- okay relax, it's not one of those blogs ;) Enjoy!
ps. If i should abandon this blog again, it's for good reason...2 years til 2012, I gotta make preparations and be ready too...life's not all fun and games, you know? :D
I've abandoned this blog more than once over the years but something keeps bringing me back to it. I'll take that as a sign from the heavens that I am meant to write. I love writing so even if it's not a 'sign', it's all good.
Why do I think this blog is meant to be? Well that's a fantastic question...I believe that because I have an opinion about anything and everything, anyone and everyone.
There are those who claim everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I'm one of them and I'm not going to lie, in my mind, I analyze everything and judge everyone (in my own right, lol).
Don't get me wrong, I don't do it to be mean or to insult, I judge out of curiousity - it's my way of entertaining myself in a world of daily routines.
I think that if I can amuse myself , I can amuse others too...yes, I'm that GOOD ..atleast that's what i'm told LOL -- okay relax, it's not one of those blogs ;) Enjoy!
ps. If i should abandon this blog again, it's for good reason...2 years til 2012, I gotta make preparations and be ready too...life's not all fun and games, you know? :D
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