People change...everyday things happen that words just cant explain and still you try... when the time finally comes where you're too tired to keep trying and you dont accept it, but you just leave it be....things change yet again.

Sometimes you can do something which at the time....in the moment seems like it's alright, or that it should be done but then after the fact you just cant believe you did it...like WTF?

yeah, i've changed... i used to think everything through ...to the point where I'd think too much. Now, I dont think enough...I just do. See, I've come to realize that time is never on our side...when you want it, it's not there ...when you just want it to go by, it crawls.

Lately it seems like i have been getting into situations that when I dont know how to get out of right away...if at all. nothing serious in the sense that my life is in danger but still serious that i'm affected by things that i do. I dont know why, I thought it was just a shift in how I was thinking...and that I was just adjusting to not being soo careful. but now i'm not so sure...
see, i do believe that things that happen are gonna happen whether we want them to or not...they are set out and will occur. Even so...I can't understand them, the relevance they have etc. it's just sooo confusing.

reminiscing... :(

... I have soo much more time on my hands yet it's taken til now to update the blog, lol.

Yesterday was all saint's day and today is supposedly all souls day... doesnt mean much unless you follow traditions etc.
Anyway, in tnt...on Nov. 1st is the day for it. All souls is also known as 'lighting up' in tnt. It's a day to dedicated to remembering loved ones who have passed on.. during the day, ppl go to the graves of their loved ones - see there you're responsible for upkeeping the grave and all that. At night ppl light candles and place it at the site. There are a lot of different opinions as to why this is done but the significance of all souls is the belief that on that day the soul of the deceased may visit their home and the light is like a beacon or guide.
I haven't been involved in anything to do with all souls so all that I know is from what i've been told.
Even so, I thought it was time to go back to Ryan's grave. After class yesterday I went up to the cemetery.... I haven't been there for some months, so it felt good to go back.
I believe in an afterlife and as such I know that Ryan's not there in the cemetery but that's where his grave is...it's a link to him and that's why I go there.
Ppl say that cemeteries are scary places but I was there alone yesterday and I was just anxious, not afraid. I couldn't wait to tell him about everything going on, tell him how much I miss him and how things really have not been the same without him but when I was there, kneeling in front of the stone....I couldnt find the right words.
It's been 7 years and I still dont want to believe it. Everyday I think about him, and maybe if it turned out differently he'd be here, things would be different...they'd be good.
There have been good times but since then, nothing really matters like before. I constantly think about when gr. 10 started...nothing was the same after that summer and trying to get back to an old routine was so hard. I learned early that life isn't always what you want it to be but that's just how things go sometimes.

I always think about the past...even more since going to Ryan's grave... keep thinking how I've never really been able to do the same with Jen. Reminiscing isn't bad...but it's not easy. I know time has passed and everyone says things get easier with time but it's not that it gets easier, just time may impact your ability to recall the details. That's why it may seem easier but in the end if you dont have memories what do you have?

Ryan Gonnella 08.01.99
Jen Xao 11.22.99
.....
missed, loved, gone but never forgotten.