Life is a Process

Looking through this old blog, posts make me smile as the memories of each day come rushing back into my mind.
I've started a new blog, too: Life-is-inevitable.tumblr.com - check it out :)It's a different style but still a look into my world.

Blogger helps me look back and see how much I've changed. Even from a communicative point of view - the way I chose to write online, the words I used, abbreviations, text-speak - I love the fact that I have a record that allows me to revisit who I used to be and that I can know that the things I went through made me who I am today.

Live and learn :)

ps. I slept in today, didn't remember that I had the day off. Have you ever felt your heart race a million miles a minute, knowing you're in your own room, but still wondering if you've woken up in the torture chamber you see in those SAW movies?! Thinking to yourself "where am I?? What day is it?? WHY did I only JUST wake up nowwww??"
LOL yeah. that happened when I opened my eyes and realized it was well after 10am 0_o

Early Morning Epiphany

I'm up on 2/3 hours of sleep this morning and when I say MORNING i mean the sun just found it's place in the sky, birds are chirping, it is BRIGHT as a moth- lol...clearly mornings aren't always my best times. Some mornings = amazing. This morning however, I'm moody and isolated soo it's not living up to it's potential as a great morning lol. This morning is one of those where all that bright, sunshining goodness is making me want to knock that chirping, happy bird out of its tree with a rock lol.

Even with it being a lack-lustre morning, I just had this epiphany of sorts. I admitted that I like to run away from my problems*
See the star/symbol thingy after the word problems? Yes? Good. That means I'm going to clarify so don't be so quick to judge, speed racer - let me explain.

Ok, first thing - I like change, more than that, I need change at times. Just so I can prove to myself that yeah, change is inevitable BUT it won't scare me when it's important life altering things that are happening.
Second, if I'm not ready to deal with something, I need to distance myself from it until I can clearly think about whatever it is. If I don't take that break, the frustration at the situation over-takes my rationalizing power and that's just never good.

**OK so back to the epiphany. I was talking..no I was conversing online with a friend and jokingly said I was going to run from my probs...the issue in that was that joking or not, I wanted to run.
Perhaps I am just not ready to deal with reality...perhaps I am but am too comfortable to move.
Perhaps I've overused the word 'perhaps'. Who knows?

Well I'll tell you what I do know (a lot)... only God can judge me...so if I choose to run away from my problems for this moment or a few moments, days, weeks, months...lol The point is, if I choose to run, I choose to run. He'll eventually get me back on track, right? After all, Jesus is my homeboy and homies don't let other homies run forever lol.

Yeah, it's still really early for me...let's make that the explanation for this "post" :)

Anger

It's like a force of nature...takes over and that's it.
I'm so angry right now and the trigger was something so stupid. I'm angry that I reacted so quickly and that a few words could make me feel so obsolete. It might be more hurt than anger...yet it's the anger that's consuming me.

ANGER...it's funny how my mom's name starts with those first 3 letters lol. I'm implying nothing, just stating the obvious about the letter placement :)

That was a fake text smiley face. Yes, fake because I'm so angry right now I'm not really feeling smiley. I only added it so that if by chance my mother comes across this rambling, I can get myself out of trouble and say 'see, the smiley face means it's a joke' and hope for the best lol.

Ok, I'm done...for now.

p.s. I'm back in the blogosphere..whatever. I'm back, I'm not back...world still turns lol.

All is Fair in Love and War

Well, that's how the saying goes...but what does it MEAN??
Does it mean that whatever is done to maintain love, find love etc is fair ?
Does it mean love really is a battlefield and you have to fight for it?
Does it mean that you can fight over it at all?
Really...what the hell does it mean?
In my mind, this means do what you gotta do if you want that love. Nobody can tell me that's not the meaning because really...no one knows for sure.

Why is this relevant?
The past 7 days of my life could be defined by those 7 words.

I don't like confrontation - I will do anything to get out of it unless it's absolutely necessary that it be done. Granted, the past few days have been filled with them, but normally it's not my thing.
Compassion is my one true weakness. Being compassionate is both a blessing and a curse for me, my heart breaks at others' misfortunes and I can't change that.
Stranger, friend or foe, I cannot stand to know/see/hear about/think about someone else being unhappy or hurt. I feel that my purpose in this world, above all else is to make sure that people are happy in life. I know, big task for a small person but that's how it is in my mind. In reality it probably is not meant to be that way, and the amount that I can help others is probably enough on my part - but that's not good enough.

Should I want to change that? How can I fight for love when I know someone else is going to end up hurt, losing love?

Yet how can I not fight for something I want when I know it should be mine?
I hate the way things have gone these past days -- that's serious because I rarely hate anything.

After all of this, I'm still left wondering, what does this saying mean for my life ?

2010

I'M BACK! I mean it this time, for real.

I've abandoned this blog more than once over the years but something keeps bringing me back to it. I'll take that as a sign from the heavens that I am meant to write. I love writing so even if it's not a 'sign', it's all good.

Why do I think this blog is meant to be? Well that's a fantastic question...I believe that because I have an opinion about anything and everything, anyone and everyone.
There are those who claim everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I'm one of them and I'm not going to lie, in my mind, I analyze everything and judge everyone (in my own right, lol).
Don't get me wrong, I don't do it to be mean or to insult, I judge out of curiousity - it's my way of entertaining myself in a world of daily routines.

I think that if I can amuse myself , I can amuse others too...yes, I'm that GOOD ..atleast that's what i'm told LOL -- okay relax, it's not one of those blogs ;) Enjoy!

ps. If i should abandon this blog again, it's for good reason...2 years til 2012, I gotta make preparations and be ready too...life's not all fun and games, you know? :D

How...

Writing is my niche...my way to get through different things whether they're good or bad...regardless of an audience, writing just helps soothe me. That's who I am.
Music is good too and some people can relate to what writing can mean for some, with the way a song can make them forget everything and just feel at ease in a moment.

Granted, it seems like my mind has been stuck lately...in a place that I still cannot understand to this day, writing will hopefully be the process that gets me through it.

That's what's on my mind today...not getting past things because I think i've done that...what I need to do is let it go instead of holding on to the past.

Sounds easy if I'm willing to let go right? But ask yourself this question...if the past makes us who we are today, can we really forget things in the past that have brought us to this moment in life - without altering the good person we've come to be?

Happiness.....what?

Aristotle once said that "happiness belongs to the self-sufficient."
Take it how you want to but for me that means that only you can make yourself happy. Don't get me wrong, there may be people in your life that bring joy each and everyday you're with them BUT if you weren't making the choice to appreciate them and what they mean to you, you would not recognize the happiness they bring to your life.

With that said, I decided that I would try to start being more appreciative of little things....

I found this picture on google images, and can't help thinking although it's sweet, those puppies are probably thinking 'Oh HELL no!'

Today

Ever had one of those mornings where you think that getting out of bed could very well be the end of the world as you know it? This morning was like that. I had a very, very restless night and it seemed like every hour on the hour I was up, looking at the time. I set my alarm for 10am thinking that would give me more than enough time for my class at 12:40pm. BUT guess what happened? No, guess again. Nooooooooo lol, let me tell you. I heard the alarm and thought I could get an extra half hour....BUT being the sleep-deprived genius I am, I slept through the snooze alarms...not just alarm but alarmS - there were maybe 3 of them. I ended up getting out of bed when I looked at the clock and saw it was 12:20. One word and one word alone was in my head then and it was a bad one lol.
I got to class late and saw the Prof. was talking about something on the overhead...I don't like to be rude and interrupt so I thought I'd wait a few mins til she changed slides.
See, I had to wait the extra mins anyway so I thought hmmm let me go get a coffee.
As I turned to go downstairs to the cafe, I slipped and nearly tripped myself to death down those damn stairs. I always knew one day the stairs and I would fight but really..why did it have to be today? LOL...
Finally made it to class and it was good, learned some new things....all the while the only thing on my mind was revenge against the stairs....and I knew exactly what I had to do...after class was over I took the elevator and threw the stairs a gruesome look on the way.
Yes, that was how today started...now it's 8pm and I'm tired as hell..and it shows, my sarcasm is practically non-existent sooo to save you reading boring non-sensical words, I'll say adieu. (That's goodbye Mary Poppins style, homies!) :)

2009

Soo it's a new year, new things...right?
Crazy how time flies by. Feels like 2008 just started when in reality it just ended, WOW.

Ever wonder why things happen like they do? Why does life turn out the way it does for us?
Those are questions that plague my mind, especially when change occurs.
I've always been the first to accept that change is inevitable but I could use it happening less frequently!
I have a love-hate relationship with change. I like the new-ness of it, the feeling that anything is possible that comes along with a new situation. I hate the way it makes you feel like you're in over your head now that you have to adapt to this new-ness.
That in a nutshell is how I feel about change lol.

School started back for the winter semester. I thought I'd freak out when I had to return to my dorm but it was the opposite that happened. I actually like being back here, it gives me a feeling of serenity and peace....of course that only lasts until the first tests are up so right now, I'll have to make the most of it and enjoy the days before stress sets in.

Christmas break was awesome this year. My family (all of us, extended etc) is all about Christmas. It's a time where every little fight or disagreement with each other is just forgotten. My mom has 8 sisters and 2 brothers. It's a big family. Trust me, things happen everyday! lol but this year we all came together and made the best of it.

So although I still think 2008 flew by in a blink of an eye, it ended well for me and that is something I can't complain about.

Happy New Year and all the best for '09!

Another Chapter

I'm in a writing mood. I think I want to write a book...yes, a REAL book.

So much has happened in the past couple weeks, and although I'm stronger because of it, it still lingers on my mind.

It will always matter and I won't lose faith or hope because I know one day things will be okay..but for now, it is what it is.

I've learned from it and it's made me stronger, maybe others can learn from it to.

For the first couple days I was all about 'trust no one' and 'don't get attached' but you know what? It's not worth it to be like that. We live and we learn and if we don't fall down every once in a while, how can we learn to pick ourselves up and move on?

Life is like ...a box of chocolates? LOL no, seriously Life is constant. It will be there whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, so why put up a front and play games? Just say hello to life and start your journey.

the four letter word..

no, please don't guess! lol..because more times than none people are inclined to think of the bad word rather than something simple and light.

The word is LOVE. For such a small word, it carries a big meaning.

Why is it in this day and age, that we cannot express our feelings? It's like it's become a moot point to really say how we feel...as if society will judge us unfairly if we express ourselves.
Don't get me wrong, society makes us into who we are BUT when will we stop worrying about what others think and do what is right for ourselves?

We live in a world where we are always under scrutiny and the world seems to be in constant fear of emotional expression. WHY? Where is that fear going to get you? Other than keeping simple feelings inside and not having the people you care about know? That's not such a big deal...or is it? I think it is.

For me, I could care less what other people think. Life is NOT guaranteed...the only guarantee we have is that death will come for us. When? We have no clue.
I won't live in fear because like I've said: if you live in fear, fear will live in you.
That's no kind of life to have.

Love...such a simple word yet people run for the hills when they hear it.
I'm not afraid of this word...yes, it takes me time to be able to say it BUT when I can say it to someone, they should know it's because they have my trust.

I love my sisters, my brother, my parents, my aunts, uncles, cousins...and I love my friends, just like they were family.
I even loved my ex...see he turned out to be a jerk so now I shouldn't love him BUT that's beside the point.
No, I don't believe love goes away but it can stop growing if you turn your back on it.

Love is one word with a thousand meanings. The meaning is different with every situation you find yourself in and it's up to you to know the difference.

Why should we be afraid of that?

Old people ask the question 'what is wrong with today's world' without expecting an answer...
but I'll tell you what's wrong!
Our younger generations are too pre-occupied with garnering other's approval that they stop thinking for themselves.
Yes we live in a world that's different , the unacceptable has become acceptable and vice versa...I'm not here to judge, only God can do that. For me, I'll live my life as best as I can so in the end I'll enter those pearly gates. All you can do is live yours how you know is right for you.
The youth today grow up thinking it's ok to be so judgemental - it's NOT.
That's the reason our world is falling apart. Stop analyzing others and look at yourself! Don't let someone's else's reaction determine your own.
Our generation is too smart to let things happen this way.

I can go on and on...but for now I'm gonna stop before I hulk-smash something.

November...

Who remembers October? I'd like to say not me...and in a way that would be true. I don't remember the month going by, I remember turning 24 - thinking life was good. Then as soon as that thought came, life just knocked me off my game and turned everything I knew as good...well life just turned the tables on me. Now, it's November and I'm here trying to figure out where the hell did time put everything I had?

24!

happy birthday to an old friend...no pun intended!
Just a special friend that I go wayyyyyyy back with. Been almost 10 years?
I swear we used to get into so much trouble together, lol. I remember chem class and being kicked out for playing cards, then having lunch detention and getting kicked out of there too...for playing cards ...such a rebel lol. Then there was the last semester of high school where our schedules matched...up to night school...fun times.

Time can really fly...but don't worry, I won't forget you ;)

I am who I am...

Yes, biblical times are on my mind..well just a biblical quote.
Chances are good that you've heard of the ten commandments? Even if your religion doesn't follow them, you've heard of them. There've been a few movies over the past decades about the commandments. I know I've seen the movies but can't remember them...what I can remember is the part where 'God' says "I am that I am" in response to Moses asking God's name.
That's always stayed with me, that line.
Over time as I grew up, I realized I am who I am.
In 24 years, I've seen a lot in my life. These experiences have made me who I am and even though there've been some tragedies, I'd like to believe this was all supposed to be.

I've learned never to hold back, always live life to the fullest.
If you have something to say, why keep it inside? Where will that get you?
We have one life, this one...so why not make the most of it?

I've come to realise that time waits for no one. Your perfect life today can be turned upside down tomorrow so why should you not capitalize on every moment you have now?

If tomorrow never comes, have you done enough today to let those close to you know how much they mean? Maybe they don't care to know but the real question is do you care that they know?

I am who I am, and I don't waste time. Yes, it may take me a while to trust but once I do and a connection is formed, trust me you'll know :)
I used to be so afraid of that but now, I could care less...life's too short.

People say never have regrets, but you know what..there will be things you do that you really can't change but wish you could. Maybe it's not a regret but it is something you look back on ruefully. As it is, every minute that goes by is one less minute you have to live.

I believe you have two choices in life:
1) be a player in the game of life or
2) watch from the sidelines as life passes you by.

The choice is ours to make...and everyone will choose what suits them, the key is never to change your choice to fit someone elses.

REALLY...you've gotta be you because if you were me, you wouldnt be you! Lol...

back to basics

It seems like I've got a few too many posts about how I've returned to my blog but realllyyyyy now..this time I have come back after almost a 2 year hiatus.
That's a long time...but doesn't matter, I'm back :) Over time I tried to start another blog but this is where it's at, gotta stick with it.

2 years...wow, I would say time flew by but really, there were moments where time seemed to crawl along.

I started a new job back in december'06. I'm not a stickler for working, but this job was awesome. I met soo many people that really became part of my life. People say things happen for a reason and if you're religious you can take it a step further and say that God has a plan for us all and everything that happens in life is supposed to happen for reasons only He knows.
I've come to accept that and the more I think about it, I know it's true for me.

As I was saying, I met some amazing people...I even made a best friend. It was like I found another version of myself. Her morals and values were just like mine and I could be myself with her. Over the past year, she became such a good friend, she knew me well. Whenever I was undecided about anything, I could always just tell her about the situation and she'd know what to do. I always thought to myself that I would do anything I could for this friend because she is so important to me.

Now, time's passed and change has come. My friend has moved away to follow her dreams, and I am here trying to build my dream. We're not in contact but I hope that one day we'll fix that.
REALLY...if the spice girls could re-unite, there's definitely hope for me and my friend...or my friend and I.
See, it was like she's Posh and I'm Ginger...or maybe she's Ginger and I'm Posh..point is, we're both stubborn and when we're crossed by someone, that's it.
I guess I did something wrong or overstepped my bounds and our friendship was put aside. And I AM sorry for whatever it was that happened.

It's rough, because now I feel as though I have lost this friend forever..
We all know, when you lose something you tend to look until you can't anymore or you find it.

Well, I know my friend and she knows me...so I know that one day we'll be okay. We've been through so much together and it's like anything reminds me of her which is good, I would never want to forget her and I hope she does not forget about me.
Everything takes time..and sometimes things happen in life so that we can be stronger and learn to survive.


Oh...and it's weird how things work...when one person goes out of your life, another walks in...
Well, God...if I have to lose this best friend to gain an old friend...NO...umm I mean no thank you.
Please, no... :)

So, now i'm back and although time's not the best right now, I have hope... and you know, hope rhymes with cope soo we'll see how that goes.

People change...everyday things happen that words just cant explain and still you try... when the time finally comes where you're too tired to keep trying and you dont accept it, but you just leave it be....things change yet again.

Sometimes you can do something which at the time....in the moment seems like it's alright, or that it should be done but then after the fact you just cant believe you did it...like WTF?

yeah, i've changed... i used to think everything through ...to the point where I'd think too much. Now, I dont think enough...I just do. See, I've come to realize that time is never on our side...when you want it, it's not there ...when you just want it to go by, it crawls.

Lately it seems like i have been getting into situations that when I dont know how to get out of right away...if at all. nothing serious in the sense that my life is in danger but still serious that i'm affected by things that i do. I dont know why, I thought it was just a shift in how I was thinking...and that I was just adjusting to not being soo careful. but now i'm not so sure...
see, i do believe that things that happen are gonna happen whether we want them to or not...they are set out and will occur. Even so...I can't understand them, the relevance they have etc. it's just sooo confusing.

reminiscing... :(

... I have soo much more time on my hands yet it's taken til now to update the blog, lol.

Yesterday was all saint's day and today is supposedly all souls day... doesnt mean much unless you follow traditions etc.
Anyway, in tnt...on Nov. 1st is the day for it. All souls is also known as 'lighting up' in tnt. It's a day to dedicated to remembering loved ones who have passed on.. during the day, ppl go to the graves of their loved ones - see there you're responsible for upkeeping the grave and all that. At night ppl light candles and place it at the site. There are a lot of different opinions as to why this is done but the significance of all souls is the belief that on that day the soul of the deceased may visit their home and the light is like a beacon or guide.
I haven't been involved in anything to do with all souls so all that I know is from what i've been told.
Even so, I thought it was time to go back to Ryan's grave. After class yesterday I went up to the cemetery.... I haven't been there for some months, so it felt good to go back.
I believe in an afterlife and as such I know that Ryan's not there in the cemetery but that's where his grave is...it's a link to him and that's why I go there.
Ppl say that cemeteries are scary places but I was there alone yesterday and I was just anxious, not afraid. I couldn't wait to tell him about everything going on, tell him how much I miss him and how things really have not been the same without him but when I was there, kneeling in front of the stone....I couldnt find the right words.
It's been 7 years and I still dont want to believe it. Everyday I think about him, and maybe if it turned out differently he'd be here, things would be different...they'd be good.
There have been good times but since then, nothing really matters like before. I constantly think about when gr. 10 started...nothing was the same after that summer and trying to get back to an old routine was so hard. I learned early that life isn't always what you want it to be but that's just how things go sometimes.

I always think about the past...even more since going to Ryan's grave... keep thinking how I've never really been able to do the same with Jen. Reminiscing isn't bad...but it's not easy. I know time has passed and everyone says things get easier with time but it's not that it gets easier, just time may impact your ability to recall the details. That's why it may seem easier but in the end if you dont have memories what do you have?

Ryan Gonnella 08.01.99
Jen Xao 11.22.99
.....
missed, loved, gone but never forgotten.

it's been a little while...

..but now i'm back, lol...
Lately I've been getting into situations i couldn't even think of myself ever being in...getting kicked outta class? lol ok, that was fun ... but not good.
then clubbing in t.o. i got kicked outta there....seriously WTF? that was just not me, dunno whyy it came to that but it's all good, can't change it now and it's all memories in the end. That nite was gooood times though even with all that happened :D

Been getting into a lot of trouble too... I say everything on my mind yet there's always some kind of respect when i do it....these days i could care less. It's not bad, but it's not good either because after everything's said and done, i dunno why it just doesnt change things and I feel guilty... THAT hasn't changed about me. NO matter how much i try I just can't get rid of that ...I still care about everything, even when it really doesn't matter & everyone , even when they dont seem to deserve it.

In philosophy class a couple weeks ago, the lecture was based on one statement...

If something happens now (in the present), it is because something in the past
made it happen.

sooo we really have no control over what we do, even if we think we do. We have choices, but the overall path we're on isn't for us to control, we follow it to achieve our goals thinking we're choosing it but really we are not....

soo then, i couldnt really avoid any of what happened, even if i tried...was it really supposed to be like this? it just doesnt seem right.

22

I'm 22 now...lol
4th Oct. 84 -- special day in history right there :D

Tonite ...last nite...watever, my bday was some good times. Saw some ppl I hadn't seen in a while which was good. that was just a little part of it though.

My little cousins Sam, Chris and Tiff with guest appearance by DJ mask face lol took me out to dinner... that was cool, they're growing up so fast. We went to Triple A...some chinese buffet, really it wasnt the place that mattered but just being in their company, it meant a lot to me.
After that, went back up to their side...Bovaird & Brisdale :) Sam and Chris bought me a Choc. cake, they're so sweet.

After that, i had some good chillin times with my homie :D didn't really chill with him for a while, sooo that topped off my bday fun, it was jus simple....good times.

Definitely will not forget turning 22, leaving 21 behind....thanks cousins...special thanks to my homie LoL.

oooooooh TROUBLE LoL

i swear i didnt' start it ...lol

I got kicked outta my lecture yesterday...wtf?? lol...for the first time in that class i sat 4th row centre and in the third row to my left there was this umm good looking boy sitting with a girl. They didnt look like they were together, jus like friends or watever...thats how i saw them lol.
anyyyway, this boy kept looking back and everytime the prof walked to the left of the room i looked at the boy, lol... at some point, i almost fell asleep and dropped my pen, and this guy leans over his row of seats and picks it up. when he gave it back, he wrote his name on my hand so i jus smiled at him and took back my pen... a couple mins later he leans back and asks my name soo i told him and the girl beside him gave me CUT EYE like i never saw before :S
watever, i didnt need any drama and the prof started sayin if anyone wanted to talk they could leave.... sooo i jus started takin notes again. ALL of a sudden, the girl turns around in her chair , catches the guy looking back at me and starts to cuss ME ?? Hellll nooo ...soo i looked at her and told her to behave. by that point the entire hall was staring at the three of us, girl, me and the boy ...the prof stopped talking and came over asking what was going on....NEVER been sooo embarrassed in a class but i had to play it offf soo i said i didnt know wat the girl was talking about. THIS girl decides to stand up and tell the lecture hall that i'm trying to take her man :

yeahh that did it... the guy stands up, telling everyone he's not her man he's single soo there's no stealing going on ...the prof had enough then and says "get out" , kicks the boy out and told ME to go tooo :S whyyy??? because WE disrupted the class...and the girl got to stay in because I caused her stress LoL....watever, in the end i walked away with his cell & he walked me to my next class making that stupid girl more 'stressed' -- she was soo psycho lol yeahh i dont set out to cause trouble but if i'm already in it, might as well make the most of it LOL

still, never thought I would get kicked out of a lecture ...esp for something soo stupid but i've learnt my lesson, sitting tooo close up front is never good. can't wait for the next class...fun times and good memories of my last dayyy being 21 :D